SunnyWonders

All i do is try and thats fine. i don’t mind trying because if i didn’t it wouldn’t be worth it in the end. Sometimes i just get bored of trying. i want to give up, run away and well travel back in time but unfortunately i can never do those things. when i first wanted to run away i couldn’t because i couldn’t do that to mum. now when i want to run away theres always something like rowing or uni thats there. maybe there never is something really that is in the way and I just put things there because i never actually could run away. 

i just wish things were simple, things were easy and the hardest thing i was worrying about at the moment was my friday deadline. i could handle that. 

i hope things get easier but right now there seems like theres nothing to help me… i suppose ill just have to keep trying. 

On this blog I tell the truth. Whether its about me, my feelings, my thoughts, my dreams or whether its about life, the day, weather or mainly my mum. But its all the truth. 

Today I’ve been dropped off back at Plymouth and its basically not were I want to be. I try and sort myself out and then something hits it back on me and I just want to cry. (i think I’m a bit emotional today so that doesn’t help) but I’m not enjoying it. This place is just so much better when every one is here. I didn’t want to leave dad, i didn’t want to leave max, i didn’t want to leave my friends, i didn’t want to leave my rowers, i didn’t want to leave james, i didn’t want to leave my home, basically i didn’t want to move. i hope tomorrow will be different. i really do

home , home is where the heart is.

i recon this is true but i’ve been a bit distant from mine recently but i can feel it coming back to me and i think being at home is helping. seeing the sea, the people, the dog, my surroundings, rowing… i love it all :) oh and can’t forget the amazing food! its been hard recently as I’ve been thinking about mum a lot and i can’t get her out of my head but it seems that coming home has relieved me slightly. i thought it would make me worse if I’m honest! i do think about her a lot, some times i don’t realise I’m doing it and it catches me off guard or i realise later when i think about that time again. i wanted to tell dad about how I’ve been finding it really hard but i don’t want him to worry and i don’t know what he could do. just being with him and hanging out is the best thing that he could do. i miss him so much when I’m in plymouth and I’m so proud of him. I’m proud of my brother too. so proud it hurts. i just hope mums looking down watching and being as proud of them as i am x

I miss you…  i have a post it note by my bed that says this. people see it and ask why i have it and wheres it from and wonder and i have never told any one the truth. i tell them that i was going to send it to my friend at home but never did. it was for my mum. i was telling her what i wanted to tell her. ill take it down when things change but i don’t think things ever will.

i suppose what I’m getting at by this little story is that no one really knows me completely. there is so much behind me and about me that i think it would take a whole life time for someone to find it all out. but i don’t want someone to know it all. i feel stronger that everyone doesn’t know everything about me. i feel venerable when people know a lot about me. like they could use it against me. People are so complicated and people get surprised about how i am when I’ve been through so much, but i have been through that much. a lot of people have been through a lot more. 

i love the way i am and the way i think and they way i live. i love not thinking too much, I’m glad i don’t other wise i think i would be fucked or screwed of my face right now but instead in sat in bed texting an amazing boyfriend after a lovely evening with a best friend. Things are going good at the moment and I’m happy. i hate when people talk about their mums because i don’t have one any more and I’m jealous. but i don’t want people to tip toe around me. I’m jealous because i want that relationship back and i want to tell her everything.

i love you mum and i always will.

Things change, people change and the atmosphere changes… its easy to say that things have changed but its not easy to change for those things.  Never give up and never give in if you believe in something strongly. Make yourself happy as your the person who knows you best and who is there at the end of every day. Don’t go around pleasing others who don’t care, do what you like, people will follow if they know you, they’ll know its you being happy and they can have fun too with you along the way. Never give up on life, love and laughter.